have you already gone?

thing doesn't get better when I thought it was. :(
The feelings different when we started talking, the feeling just wasn't there.
was it because we were trying too hard to push ourselves to be back as normal?
It makes me so tired. Yes, even though i said you weren't the one that made me feel so.
That was because when started chatting, i feel annoyed, i feel really exhausted.
You just started to be don't care (not even know you do care about how i feel or not.)
You late replied, u say some hurtful words, you just make me feel so tired.

Tired of what?
tired of waiting your replies, tired of you, chatting these hurtful words to me AND YET, i still have to act like i don't bother, I'm not hurt, I'm fine.

Many questions bothering me, but I scared, once i ask, this bit of friendship, gonna be broken too.
Probably we just shouldn't talk for a longer period, until things got really really passed, until this stupid caring and this enormous of feelings toward you have vanished.

Because till today, I still shed tears in the night, still think about you all days, still wish we can get backed together though i know this is nearly impossible. Moving on is hard, with you here..

Every time u first chatted with me, I tried to ignore, with this kinda feeling in the heart; struggling, i still replied in the end. the heart wins it all!! Every time, everyday,  

what's going on?

Just dont understand why people kept saying that I would be their first if im doing this and that, but it doesn't seem like. I mean who i am to you? Why would you make me your first? What so special about me that I've always will be the first on doing this and that.. It's so ridiculous sometimes, because I just feel super strange. Why wouldn't you invite others to go to your house? Why only me? Is it because you thought that my way of thinking is so much like ang moh style and I would seriously go to your house? Why you said it as if that I was the only girl that you would invite. Do u even mean it seriously? Because I just don't know whether you are serious or just kidding. 

grown up kid, pumped up kicks.

Why do people get matured overtime, why do mature people have to care about how others feel first instead of ourselves? there is so many things i wanna say, wanna tell, wanna spit it out, heart to heart chatting, but because this brain asking myself to calm down and think about how other feels, I dare not to speak a word right now in public. I guess this blog is going to be full of my words as i am throwing tantrum right here. And if some words going to hurt anyone of whomever i do care, I will probably privatize this blog for only personal view. sorry about that. I just wanna write my feelings down. here.. without, whoever, complaining that this is a super childish way to spit out what actually happening.

I admit, if there is people out there behaving so maturely, keeping all these secrets by themselves, they are known as mature, because they didn't want others to be worried, probably? or some other good reasons i guess. Yeah, a very mature way of doing.

let it be then. I'm super immature when handling relationships, because I just lost control, my mind wouldn't think, my brain just stopped functioning, only that keeps me running, was the heart.

rising from the dead 2

rising from the dead actually suits the end of the world; which it also fits into my situation. My friend once taught me this step, the last step that would bring me back to life.

I remember the song which is be your everything by boys like girl. I remember, everything that this boy has done, said, smiled to me. But I understand, I do. Getting one partner that wasn't meant for each other,  no matter how much love, efforts u putting in order to get back what u want, it is just pointless. Because what belongs to you, will come back for you. Since he/she isn't coming back, that proved that they just never be urs even if you wanted them. Someone has said this to me, reality is always like this, you wouldn't get the one you wanted, eventually u will still get someone you "wanted", just you would miss the one that you most wanted?. *laugh* I guess i am not mature enough for things like this but i do understand what my friend was saying.

Today, my past life has ended, no matter it was happy or bitter, I wanted that memory to be deleted. Because remembering those was a pain, always the pain.

We probably couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't be backed the one that we used to joke around.. I have told you, once it was broken, nothing can be done to mend. This is facts.
I have told you, once this bond is broke, we both going to lose each other, whether it is friends or "used to be".

the end of the world - rising from the dead

i guess today is the right time to update. many things happened recently, this month.. Mainly were some complicated personal stuffs which i swear, i never wanted to get involved in. Boys, u guys are funny, but oh well, i dont wanna complain it here, all these stuffs nearly exploded my mind, my heart nearly stopped pumping, and i wished the world ends right now. IF i still have so much feelings, so much sympathies, so much caring into this world, i will get myself into whole lots of troubles.
Thanks to people around me, putting in so much effort, console me almost everyday; teaching me how to deal with these troubles. Seriously, friends are some forever people that willing to stay, to stand by ur side no matter what happens. While family is your one lifetime ever, the closest people that never betray you. :)
Have u ever thought, what would u do if there isn't tomorrow? Who would u call ? What would u say? The last wish?
i have thought of all these!. Seriously! But all these answers vanished long ago.. Because there isn't a forever afterall.

My closed friend that supported me since things happened, told me once that a "I miss you" doesn't change the reality which i think he was very very true. no matter how much i miss, how many "i miss you" he has gotten, that doesn't change anything, those might probably be some kind of rubbish texts. SO, all these tears doesn't worth you shits.

Today is sooooo special, it is the legend end of the world and solstice day!!!..

- to be continued- 

Looking at you makes it harderBut I know that you'll find anotherThat doesn't always make you want to cry