have you already gone?

thing doesn't get better when I thought it was. :(
The feelings different when we started talking, the feeling just wasn't there.
was it because we were trying too hard to push ourselves to be back as normal?
It makes me so tired. Yes, even though i said you weren't the one that made me feel so.
That was because when started chatting, i feel annoyed, i feel really exhausted.
You just started to be don't care (not even know you do care about how i feel or not.)
You late replied, u say some hurtful words, you just make me feel so tired.

Tired of what?
tired of waiting your replies, tired of you, chatting these hurtful words to me AND YET, i still have to act like i don't bother, I'm not hurt, I'm fine.

Many questions bothering me, but I scared, once i ask, this bit of friendship, gonna be broken too.
Probably we just shouldn't talk for a longer period, until things got really really passed, until this stupid caring and this enormous of feelings toward you have vanished.

Because till today, I still shed tears in the night, still think about you all days, still wish we can get backed together though i know this is nearly impossible. Moving on is hard, with you here..

Every time u first chatted with me, I tried to ignore, with this kinda feeling in the heart; struggling, i still replied in the end. the heart wins it all!! Every time, everyday,  

what's going on?

Just dont understand why people kept saying that I would be their first if im doing this and that, but it doesn't seem like. I mean who i am to you? Why would you make me your first? What so special about me that I've always will be the first on doing this and that.. It's so ridiculous sometimes, because I just feel super strange. Why wouldn't you invite others to go to your house? Why only me? Is it because you thought that my way of thinking is so much like ang moh style and I would seriously go to your house? Why you said it as if that I was the only girl that you would invite. Do u even mean it seriously? Because I just don't know whether you are serious or just kidding. 

grown up kid, pumped up kicks.

Why do people get matured overtime, why do mature people have to care about how others feel first instead of ourselves? there is so many things i wanna say, wanna tell, wanna spit it out, heart to heart chatting, but because this brain asking myself to calm down and think about how other feels, I dare not to speak a word right now in public. I guess this blog is going to be full of my words as i am throwing tantrum right here. And if some words going to hurt anyone of whomever i do care, I will probably privatize this blog for only personal view. sorry about that. I just wanna write my feelings down. here.. without, whoever, complaining that this is a super childish way to spit out what actually happening.

I admit, if there is people out there behaving so maturely, keeping all these secrets by themselves, they are known as mature, because they didn't want others to be worried, probably? or some other good reasons i guess. Yeah, a very mature way of doing.

let it be then. I'm super immature when handling relationships, because I just lost control, my mind wouldn't think, my brain just stopped functioning, only that keeps me running, was the heart.

rising from the dead 2

rising from the dead actually suits the end of the world; which it also fits into my situation. My friend once taught me this step, the last step that would bring me back to life.

I remember the song which is be your everything by boys like girl. I remember, everything that this boy has done, said, smiled to me. But I understand, I do. Getting one partner that wasn't meant for each other,  no matter how much love, efforts u putting in order to get back what u want, it is just pointless. Because what belongs to you, will come back for you. Since he/she isn't coming back, that proved that they just never be urs even if you wanted them. Someone has said this to me, reality is always like this, you wouldn't get the one you wanted, eventually u will still get someone you "wanted", just you would miss the one that you most wanted?. *laugh* I guess i am not mature enough for things like this but i do understand what my friend was saying.

Today, my past life has ended, no matter it was happy or bitter, I wanted that memory to be deleted. Because remembering those was a pain, always the pain.

We probably couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't be backed the one that we used to joke around.. I have told you, once it was broken, nothing can be done to mend. This is facts.
I have told you, once this bond is broke, we both going to lose each other, whether it is friends or "used to be".

the end of the world - rising from the dead

i guess today is the right time to update. many things happened recently, this month.. Mainly were some complicated personal stuffs which i swear, i never wanted to get involved in. Boys, u guys are funny, but oh well, i dont wanna complain it here, all these stuffs nearly exploded my mind, my heart nearly stopped pumping, and i wished the world ends right now. IF i still have so much feelings, so much sympathies, so much caring into this world, i will get myself into whole lots of troubles.
Thanks to people around me, putting in so much effort, console me almost everyday; teaching me how to deal with these troubles. Seriously, friends are some forever people that willing to stay, to stand by ur side no matter what happens. While family is your one lifetime ever, the closest people that never betray you. :)
Have u ever thought, what would u do if there isn't tomorrow? Who would u call ? What would u say? The last wish?
i have thought of all these!. Seriously! But all these answers vanished long ago.. Because there isn't a forever afterall.

My closed friend that supported me since things happened, told me once that a "I miss you" doesn't change the reality which i think he was very very true. no matter how much i miss, how many "i miss you" he has gotten, that doesn't change anything, those might probably be some kind of rubbish texts. SO, all these tears doesn't worth you shits.

Today is sooooo special, it is the legend end of the world and solstice day!!!..

- to be continued- 

Looking at you makes it harderBut I know that you'll find anotherThat doesn't always make you want to cry

blogging title: do u love me?

15.11.2012
that day was a very special day, because it was the monthly anniversary. *smile*
Life doesn't always go as what we expected, so, appreciating things before it is too late. BUT, people tend not to appreciate when they realized that this thing, this person are belonged to you..
I am sorry if i did make him felt like I never appreciated Mr.boyfie. Sometimes, something, I didn't bother to show because i thought he would understand. I didn't comfort back, because I know he will come to me. I never thought that he might actually needed a moment to be comforted too. My bad!! :(
He made me so guilty because He said I acted coldly when with him.

ottoke?
The love is real, sincere...

holiday

this feeling is so weird.
The moment when exam ended, I do felt like heaven, like exam has FINALLY ended.
But after a few hours of relaxing, I felt like how the exam ended so fast that I am currently so aimlessly enjoying my life. Humans, maybe we don't appreciate much when the time has finally came. Just like when holiday starts, I feeling as normal and i started to wonder, what should i do in this period of time though I've been wanted this day to come during the start of exam. But when this day has finally came, it is not much excited. Probably no one could understand my feeling. *laugh*
Have been contradicting to myself recently, -to be continued-

oh ya, my blog is renovating!!!. Since holiday has just started, i have nth much to do, so im changing to a new blog skin. Stay tune!!.

feelings

So much happening recently that I couldn't spit out everything with just a post. And, I'm having final exams now, so.. I am ultimate sorry that I have ignored all the people that wished to chat with me, date me out and all sorts. I wasn't having time to enjoy my life just yet!. having a very pathetic life . And ya, I have deactivated my official fb account just so u know, I am an active fb-er and it was hard to concentrate on studying while my account is here. So, I would activate back it just soon. Be patient!

Dear Priscilla: I saw your comment! :) Date me after exam!! *hugs and kisses*

How should I start?
the feelings I wanted to express now, it isn't something easy to describe. Sometimes, I really do wonder, "how long would we last?" We differed from the the head to the toe. It seems that we both came from different world. Your world = full of obstacles, Was, present and might be future that I wouldn't understand. The difference appearing huge from what I can see and I believe you feel it. Your world = full of experiences,  if you insisted to ask me in what terms. I would say, the things that I did not, wouldn't or probably will not experience. Your world = complicated, it was so hard to understand sometimes, I felt like you so differed from other ordinary boys that I'm closed with.

Is it because I behaved like a kid? Were you trying to protect and babysit me like I used to joke around?
I tried super hard to understand you. What were you thinking, how do u feel about me. what should I do to make you feel you better. Seriously, what are you? You always said, you wished to understand me more, but deep down my heart, that's the question i wished to ask you too. But I afraid, what I am isn't the one you want. I afraid, we weren't meant to be.
Probably I'm having so much worries that I'm so scared, I'm not the most suitable for you. I asked you, what's your ideal type of girls before you've met me. That was because I'm afraid, I wanted to know... "Have I met the requirement?" I really don't understand why you've chosen me out of many, office ladies, your college girls. many choices, and what I am? A girl that wouldn't sponsor you money, pampered, hot-tempered, money-spending, "manja"-princess personalities..
Sigh!! I have many doubts in my mind, but I am afraid to ask, that was why i kept silence, Not because of the bossy attitude that i didn't want to tell. I just don't want to listen the answers. I couldn't bear any heartbreaks.

I know sometimes I've hurt you, and I really apologize for that. Part of it, I was protecting myself from getting hurt from you. My heart is fragile! I am sorry, I was being very stingy!. :(

不想懂得

不懂我的人，却会因此而更想着去认识，发掘我的好，在此，会为帮了那小忙而开心。

装懂我的人，却一脸不屑，帮忙也嫌多余。聊天也只不过给面子， 一时装懂，装关心也只是
因为自己寂寞。

不知从时开始，感觉好像变了。不再亲切，关怀与支持。

怎么了？

我累了。
说好的，友谊呢？
我懂了，不说了，你变了，讨厌了。
朋友之间的那缘分，变淡得不像从前了。。。。

random pictures. :)

 donghae, my new oppa. :P

where have I been?

05.09.2012

I apologize for not updating about "where have I been all these while", even my birthday has passed and  people may think that I might update the celebrations over here. I'm ultimate sorry that I wasn't being bothered with this dead blog. SO, here I am with a few updates of what interesting things happened in these 2 months. 

First of all, semester has started.. Very long ago, it is already the 7th week now, half of the semester has gone and I have studied nothing so far. The funny thing is that, this semester is the most relax one I guess. You will see, my timetable was awesome. Even if it wasn't that awesome, I have newly formed my own timetable with the principle, 'classes are for us to skip'; so, Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my off days. Listen first, that was because there is only a few (i so called unimportant) classes on these days. Even if it was necessary, I never felt like going. Please understand a student like me, who will go for a class in the morning and wait for 4-5 hours just for another lectures at 5pm? Well, at least not a lazy person, ME. I never denied that I'm lazy!!  Okay, so this is my class schedule, do not try to date me (haha, so self-centred). I have to seriously start studying. My exam is around the corner. 

Next, talking about my birthday this year. This important (21st for chinese) birth year was not any special except baking a cake with mom and bought a new plasma TV. Anyway, still have to thank all of these lovable people that wished me ON THAT DAY. *laugh* I think I've all replied, and I really appreciate what oppas have done for me (oppa = brother , oppas' = brothers). Regarding to what they did, it was all secrets anyway, so stop wondering. :P

/FB picture : 

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Oh, talking about oppa remind me of something that has changed me totally. :)

I started to be very crazy and in love with koreans. I was once, frustrated and no idea of those people that watched korea shows and dramas. The reason was, you do not understand what those koreans were saying, you have to see the subtitles so that you would understand. If it is so, why not you just watch those dramas that you understand, with this, u can use both eyes and ears. Eyes focus on their actions and ears to listen. When it comes to korean, your eyes focus on subtitles, it splits your attention into two because you hardly can see what they are doing when eyes focus on the words. Ears hearing something that you wouldn't understand. But after watching a korean show named "runningman" I have 100 % in love with korean stuffs. Even dramas, how could korean boys be so handsome. Super Junior as one of the examples. Im not saying Super Junior is the most handsome boys band, just an example, most of them are like, WOW. Korea still have many super duper handsome boys and extremely beautiful and cute girls. But by the way, Donghae (one member of Super junior), is cute and handsome x 100, his handsomeness isn't something can be described la. :P

/FB picture

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Will be uploading pictures here!

till then. goodnight!! 

sarangahae oppa!!. 

荒唐事迹!

现代的电脑技术真荒谬. 手握着"不懂什么东西" 就可以查出有什么病痛. 真是有够好笑.

一张字出来, 写着有的没有的烂东西.

 那个讲解师说我一定没吃水果吧.
1. 我说: 7天之内, 有5天我是吃水果的.
他说: 什么水果?
我说: 大多数苹果或橙

他说: 那我建议你吃kiwi..

我心说: 你就当苹果和橙不是水果吗?

2. 他说: 你是不是很常吃海鲜?

   我说: 我有海鲜敏感. 

   他: 无语

3. 他说: 你骨质缺少 calcium 

  我说: 我不常运动, 之前没严重受伤, 又不是老人. calcium不该流失吧?

4. 他说: 我的血管弹性差. 

  我说: 那我的心是不是也要跳快一点, 所以血才通?.

我看你八成乱讲一通吧. 

想骗老娘, 不懂本小姐是读这科的吗. 

我不讲衰你, 我才对不起我之前那么辛苦读的科目叻. 

  

days after exam 06.07

HELLO!. long time no see, how are you, readers?!

yeah! i have approximately one month holiday after the examination. Examination have always driven me crazy.
During exam, I have always wondered and hoped the exam can end as quickly. It was like going through hell every semester, though i knew the holiday is the reward right after. But it is very extreme period. The time I felt like heaven while going through hell was ~ "forced" to eat and stay away from books.

During holiday, I planned to watch all the movies and dramas, as many as I could. And i found those "recommended" dramas are too good. *laugh*
I felt so guilty for being so flower-hearted. Why?
Cause I ADMIRE every main male actor after watching every drama. OMGEE, how could they be so handsome and caring?.
my god! Those traits that I hoped to get a boyfriend like them!! (:

Anyway, realizing how realistic a man would be in this REAL world, I'm losing hope...
They are not real??!.

ARGH!! no way!!. I'll find someone like them one day. *smile*!!!... (:

 
What?. I'm enjoying life... i like to move it move it, CHEER all!. :D

Don't be envious at people who look happy. You would never knew their problems. Who knows if they are acting (hopefully not).. But my point is don't let others to control your emotion unless he/she is someone very important...

Last but not least, strive for your happiness. Something that couldn't buy with $cash$, Real happiness I mean. To me, it's very easy to get happy.. A favourite song will do. (:

我来了

不在乎天长地久, 只在乎曾经拥有. 到底这句名言, 需要花上多少的时间,才让人领悟.

往事是我们的历史, 即使时空逆转, 也不会改变. 

不开心的历史, 虽然很残酷, 但总是要面对.

所以是不是不开心, 不完美, 那遗憾的故事, 才会让人喜欢呢?

就想那部有名的戏, titanic 一样, 不能够在一起, 所以会铭记于心. 

虽然感触很深, 虽然看悲伤爱情戏总是让我情绪失控. 但, 我还是自投落网地看了再看.

也许, 这一点就是让观众们的喜爱吧!  

不再想, 那以前所留下的遗憾.

wedding

当了一生最乖的事~ 陪咪去参加朋友的婚礼。 在好多歌播放中, 觉得即使好多人在我身边, 尽管有 多开心啊如果你是伤心难过的话, 在多热闹的地方, 你也还是寂寞的。 最重要的是你放得下不开心的事吗。 好像暂时放下了那个又沉重又压力的考试, 更是放下了那个整天强迫自己该忘记的经历。 好像真的轻松多了。 酒席当中, 红酒是必定的。 但要喝多少在会醉。 好想为了自己而放肆一次, 为了自己的快乐而喝, 不是为了他人 给的痛苦而找寻的快乐。

method of being alive

okay, I'm inspired to write something down in the middle of struggling for exams.

when you feel like you have no one, turn around and look who are walking at the back, with you, supporting you always.

When you are feeling lifeless, think it the other way around. 

this is not the only direction where you see the world is.

things might not be super perfect, but that doesn't mean life is not beautiful. 

love live. 

keep on believing!

 there are many good person around, why bother chasing for the one that doesn't belong to you.

enjoy your life. :)

last but not least, sharing a a meaningful quote by Marcel Pagnol, 

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be".

if you are still unhappy, get over it! JIA.YOU!

 prove to us that the present is happier than the past. :)

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till then!~

stressful

feeling so stressful nowadays. I have so many things to worry about, not just exams (the main concern) but also my personal life. recently, I have a serious conflict with a friend, he was back-stabbing, I not sure whether it is his personality problem or I was too pettish and so, he didn't like my attitude. I mean seriously, do you need to tell the whole unfair thing we treated on to OUR friends so that, maybe they were gonna feel pity for you. That's so immature behaviour. I seriously have no idea how to deal with him anymore. More hard feelings going around by simply talking with him. I didn't know he is this kind of person, like telling to the whole world of people's bad stuffs?. And the bad stuffs i meant here didn't go as bad as we have ever thought, he might just exaggerating. And the unfair stuffs i mentioned was not about unfair to him, it might simply because it was unfair to others while it doesn't necessarily to be him, i mean he is not the victim, why should he care? What should he care?. Given that people volunteered doing something for us, how could he be back-stabbed us and adviced our friend not to help us? None of your business alright. Not like we were asking him to help, isn't it?.

okay, let's talk about emotional changes. Maybe exam is around the corner and people started to get emo at this time. I feel that they aren't as happy. Rushing for assignments, started to get their ass working, sitting on chair and started studying, pressure arise, lesser talking, friendship bond's getting worsen. I started to feel like they are so strange, probably strangers that I've met for several times or just acquaintances that been rarely talked. We weren't like this, were we?. How come things changed so differently after degree started? There's something that i wanted to ask, but  i wouldn't dare to. I am not showing i do not care, just sometimes, i feel so strange asking so many things and all you wanted to answer was just I'm okay or yes and no. That wasn't the point, if people really asked that, showing that they were prepared to listen to your stories, isn't it?.

Probably when we got matured, more things pass through our mind and we started to think a lot.  


till then.
exam's coming, i think i going to deactivate my facebook account soon. See you till i have done with the exams. Wish me luck peeps. :)